I am a depressed bitch. 

I’m sad and I take meds for it. But who doesn’t honestly. As of late, my medication has been doing something pretty kooky to my pussy. You wouldn’t believe what’s going on down there. 

This may be too much information, but heed my warning. I know warnings normally come before the sentence but I’ve never written anything before (since I was illiterate). 

Let me set the scene. 

8:00 – I wake up at 8:00 for my reading lesson because, as I mentioned earlier, I am illiterate. This is about the time that I pop the pill. 

9:00 – It takes me an hour to swallow the pill. 9:00am it’s down the shoot. This is the last time I dry swallow a pill, or anything for that matter. 

10:00 – I go to put on pants and I notice something pretty fishy. It’s that I’m not smelling fishy. But I didn’t think much of it at the time. 

11:00 – I message a hinge hookup for morning sex. His bio reads “must have working pussy”. I don’t think anything of it. 

12:30 – He arrives in a weird motorcycle jacket. We lit a candle. He serenades me with Wonderwall like a true gentleman. 

2:30 – After singing to me on loop for two hours. It’s time to shag. We disrobe. Things go awry. He takes off my pants and we notice my vagina is not there. I am looking like a Barbie doll. It is replaced with a smooth, almost plastic void. He tries to get a better look at it, but it shoots lasers at him and he quickly perishes. I freak out because I’ve never murdered someone before, but techically it wasn’t me, so does that make me an acomplis? Obviously me and my coochie are on different pages. 

3:00 – I call the cops on myself. They are confused but they come to the scene anyway. As soon as they try to put me in handcuffs, my pussy shoots lasers at them. So now I am a serial killer. 

4:00 – I am on the run. But because my pussy is broken, it’s more like I’m on the slow jog. 

4:30 – I am arrested, via helicopter, and tied up like a cow. I am airlifted to the sheriff’s office where they have already set up a specialized prison cell for my killer pussy.

5:00 – I am writing this from prison. 

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