Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21).
Daniel Kool

Daniel Kool is a Freshman from Minnesota studying Journalism. He plays the banjo but hopes you won’t judge him for it.

OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW—Zipcar will begin offering exclusive late-night rentals to Boston University bros looking to tear up residential streets without the commitment of car ownership.

This flexible option, dubbed “Zipcar P.M.,” enables car enthusiasts to destroy other peoples’ sleep schedules without the stress of maintenance or fear of being traced back to a license plate, said spokesperson and avid night-driver Mike Flewitt.

Available vehicles will range from imported supercars to Subarus without mufflers, allowing wannabe drivers to trash the tar no matter their budget.

“It’s really about making the thrill of selfishness more accessible,” Flewitt said. “The world is growing more conscious. Bostonians are ready for a budget-friendly option of showing the world you’ve got an underwhelming cock.”

He added that even for many wealthy students, Daddy’s Money may be easier to “siphon off gradually” rather than as one down-payment-sized lump sum.

Ashton Starr (ENG ’22), whose car remains at his Wisconsin home, said that he welcomes the ability to get behind the wheel again. Normally, he’s only able to sit on the curb and applaud as the 2 a.m. fleet winds its way past Danielsen every Tuesday. Starr added that owning a car in Boston would be nearly impossible, because of his “severe” commitment issues.

But established drifters aren’t as happy with the move.

“It’s really spitting in the face of all of us who worked for our rides,” said Chet Earnhardt (QST ’21), a red-light-runner since freshman year. “I still have the scars from when I tore my Audi’s muffler off with my bare hands last summer. That’s a lifetime commitment, not something you can just rent.”

The new option is a uniquely responsible way to gather during the pandemic, said Bonnie Hunt, Professor of Epidemiology.

“You’re in your own car, your own bubble, so there’s no risk of transmission there,” Hunt said. “But realistically, anyone Beacon Street-drifting is unlikely to ever have intimate contact with another person, regardless of health concerns.”

At press time, campus stores are struggling to restock sleeping pills, ear plugs and extra-small condoms as demand skyrockets.

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