Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22).
Maggie Vatter (CAS '22)

Maggie is a Junior studying International Relations and Spanish. She is nothing but a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things.

Fluffy white dogs, you either love them or you hate them- in most cases it tends to be the latter. Neuroscience researchers at Boston University have conducted a study that has come to the conclusion that your girlfriend’s crusty, white dog, Foofoo, is actually the smartest organism that we will ever witness in our time. 

When you would go over to your girlfriend’s place and would write off FooFoo’s non stop yipping and yapping as unnecessary noise. However, scientists have actually been able to interpret the sonar code behind these barks. Depending on the frequency, FooFoo has been revealed to either be calculating the continuing numbers of Pi or discussing the logistics of quantum theory within the space-time continuum.

Additionally, through a series of interviews, Foofoo was able to come up with clever solutions to moral dilemmas that have lingered throughout human philosophy. When questioned about the infamous “trolley question” FooFoo responded,The answer is obvious, I would divert the trolley to the track with more people- am I the only one cognizant of the overcrowding problem on Earth?”.

However, while FooFoo may have an unprecedented level of intelligence, he still succumbs to the physical pleasures of the common dog. FooFoo still partakes in sniffing other dogs’ butts from time to time; the dog details his reasoning: “I receive immense sexual gratification from smelling the posteriors of other canines. I am unable to resist the pheromones they give off.”

Unfortunately, as FooFoo was on his way to receive the Nobel Prize for Physics, your girlfriend backed over the dog in the driveway on her way to Dunkin’.

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