NICKERSON FIELD—Your friend won’t be able to make it to your intramural game tonight, sources confirmed earlier this evening.

Your friend, who eagerly asked to be placed on the roster when you suggested starting your intramural team, has too much homework and can’t play in tonight’s game against the team from the School of Education. “I can’t make it tonight! Sorry! :(” read a text sent by your friend to your phone a half hour ago, almost identical to text messages sent on the nights of the past three consecutive games this season.

Analysts estimate that at least 40% of students on intramural team rosters miss at least half of the games each season due to homework complications. “I just have a lot of stuff I’ve gotta do,” said your friend in a follow-up text. “I’m really stressed out. Sorry.”

At press time, your friend is really, really sorry he can’t come but hopes that he’ll maybe see you some time this weekend.

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