GSU—Reusable Starbucks cup in hand, teen activist Greta Thunberg confronted one student occupying an entire fucking booth in GSU during her recent visit to campus: “You are failing us,” she scorned, tears welling up in her eyes.

Passersby reported that in response, the student simply shrugged. Others said they were unable to decipher whether or not the student even noticed what was going on or where he was, let alone Thunberg scolding him.

“This kid lacked complete awareness of literally everything around him,” explained Kevin Samuels (CAS ‘20), who wanted to actually use the booth to eat a god damned meal with five other people but couldn’t, because the student was way too into the Amazon Prime order he was computing on his laptop.

“His level of focus was like that of someone disabling a bomb…while wearing AirPods,” said Samuels.

According to one of Samuels’ friends, the unidentified student’s laptop and its accessories took up most of the booth, but his hydroflask and Supreme hoodie also occupied a significant amount of space.

“People are suffering, people are dying, entire ecosystems are collapsing,” Thunberg told The Bunion when reached for comment. “We are in the beginning of a mass extinction and students, like him, are too busy ordering $200 Canada Goose jackets to notice or care.”

During her time on campus, Thunberg also met with President Brown, praising him for the university’s nominal carbon footprint due to the lack of BU BUS emissions.

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