THE BUNION HQ—A representative for The Bunion has confirmed that the writer of this article is still without a date for Valentine’s Day and, in what many are speculating to be a “panic,” has decided to take to his largest available platform for help.
The writer, whose name must regrettably be withheld due to the paper’s stringent authorship policies, insists that he is a nice guy with a good sense of humor and no noticeable scars.
“I also thought it would be a good idea to mention that I know a few magic tricks, so I can spice up any dull moment on a date,” added the writer, who wrote this article specifically to address you.
“This probably isn’t going to work,” the writer said quietly under his breath.
“I’m not resorting to this because I’m undesirable,” the writer announced to the people reading this article, you especially. “It’s just that I forgot to plan ahead. This semester’s been really busy for me, and besides, Valentine’s is always on a different day each year.”
The editor of the article has confirmed that the writer was confusing the popular holiday with either Easter or Hanukkah.
“I can vouch for him,” said a very trustworthy and 100% real source that the author did not fabricate. “He’s six-foot-one with very pretty eyes. His worst quality is that he gives too much. He has a great relationship with his mom, and once he performed CPR at his little cousin’s pool party. Wow, he is really great! Snatch him up fast!”
“I refuse to download Tinder like my friends have been suggesting,” said the very accomplished journalist, who has a lot going for him, “but I’m slowly realizing that writing a personal ad disguised as a newspaper article might have even less dignity.”
“Well, I have to commit now,” he told a friend persuading him not to publish the article. “Do you really expect me to face the public without having a sweetheart on Valentine’s Day?”
“I thought I heard a cute girl saying ‘I could be your valentine’ when I was complaining about spending Valentine’s alone the other day, but I wasn’t sure and I didn’t want to risk making a fool out of myself by asking.”
“I guess I just hope she’s reading this,” the writer added.
At press time, the writer of this article is pacing around Marsh Plaza wearing a hat with a distinctive red rose in it so that anyone interested will know it was him.