Statistically (yes, I’m citing real statistics. I kind of miss it, actually. I’m a Film and TV major and I haven’t written a paper in a year), men are 7.5 times more likely to become “problem gamblers” than women (source: BBC News). 

But I’m here to prove the BBC wrong. Clearly they didn’t take into account the amount of things I put into my body (that may or may not wreak havoc on my digestive system) every single day. Here’s my comprehensive list: 

  1. Dairy—look, this might be a controversial one to put on here. But why do humans keep cows in a perpetual state of pregnancy, drink the substance that is meant for cow-babies, and then wonder why their stomach hurts? I’m not psychotic enough to drink plain glasses of milk, and I don’t understand why milk propaganda is so heavy-handed in health recommendations. However, I do eat a lot of cheese…and sometimes, the cows take their revenge.  
  1. Eating raw things—oh, how I wish I meant vegetables. Alas, I do not. I really enjoy eating raw cookie dough. Sometimes, I buy the whole package, and I have the intention to bake it. But then, day by day (or in one high night), I end up nibbling on the cookie dough until the whole thing is gone. I can’t be alone in this, because some companies are starting to advertise their cookie dough as safe to eat baked AND raw. Evidently, it’s not entirely safe, because I have eaten packages of those, and it has come back to bite me later.
  1. Coffee—yeah, a lot of people experience this. Drinking coffee at the wrong time can be really…inconvenient. I know it’s not just me, because I’ve seen those shirts that say “I drink coffee and then shit happens.” People are the worst. 
  1. Alcohol—I never really know what it’ll do to me. Drinking can truly be a gamble. Sometimes it comes back up, sometimes it goes through too fast. Sometimes it gets me drunk, sometimes it doesn’t. I have learned one thing, though: don’t eat buffalo cauliflower “wings” before you drink a handle of vodka. 

I guess I understand why gambling is addictive. I put at least one (if not more) of these things into my body on a daily basis. I suppose I could stop. And maybe I will. For now, I won’t. Who can blame me? Those holiday drinks are irresistible, even though the White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino is arguably the biggest gamble of all.

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