Photoshopped by Lauren Kelmar (COM '21).
Lily Dales

Lily Dales (CAS '21) is an English and history major from Dallas, TX. Catch her accidentally falling on Comm Ave (she's quirky and can't help it). If you are going to speak to her in Spanish, please address her in the formal "usted."

Like many young women, I have been taking oral contraception for years. Personally, I think babies are gross, and I don’t want to ruin my body. But I don’t judge women who decide to have kids!

As much as I hate children and love taking drugs, I decided to go off of my birth control pills for a while. The violent mood swings, weight gain, migraine headaches, and increased risk of a blood clot were a little too much to handle. Yet, I still needed a form of pregnancy prevention that works for me. Something holistic and natural that would still allow me to live my very slutty lifestyle.

That’s when I remembered: I have a terrible personality. Like, just truly atrocious. I’m rude to servers, I don’t hold the door for elderly people, I regularly commit tax fraud, and I unquestionably support every decision the Trump administration has ever made. If I embrace my true self, no man will want to impregnate me. My personality will be the birth control.

Usually, I have no trouble finding eligible men. The old me would just let the man have the opinions, do the talking, and drink buying. I would sit back and listen while he explained the stock market to me. 

But now with my personality as birth control, I speak authentically with random Tinder guys. I let them get to know the real me. The girl who hates books. The girl who single handedly caused the 2008 recession. The girl who once punched a pigeon outside a Panera Bread. When men see the real me, they find an excuse to leave quickly. We don’t have sex and I never have to worry about pregnancy!

I would highly recommend this method of contraception to any woman who is a straight up asshole. If you’re not, stick with the pill.  

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