Like many young women, I have been taking oral contraception for years. Personally, I think babies are gross, and I don’t want to ruin my body. But I don’t judge women who decide to have kids!

As much as I hate children and love taking drugs, I decided to go off of my birth control pills for a while. The violent mood swings, weight gain, migraine headaches, and increased risk of a blood clot were a little too much to handle. Yet, I still needed a form of pregnancy prevention that works for me. Something holistic and natural that would still allow me to live my very slutty lifestyle.

That’s when I remembered: I have a terrible personality. Like, just truly atrocious. I’m rude to servers, I don’t hold the door for elderly people, I regularly commit tax fraud, and I unquestionably support every decision the Trump administration has ever made. If I embrace my true self, no man will want to impregnate me. My personality will be the birth control.

Usually, I have no trouble finding eligible men. The old me would just let the man have the opinions, do the talking, and drink buying. I would sit back and listen while he explained the stock market to me. 

But now with my personality as birth control, I speak authentically with random Tinder guys. I let them get to know the real me. The girl who hates books. The girl who single handedly caused the 2008 recession. The girl who once punched a pigeon outside a Panera Bread. When men see the real me, they find an excuse to leave quickly. We don’t have sex and I never have to worry about pregnancy!

I would highly recommend this method of contraception to any woman who is a straight up asshole. If you’re not, stick with the pill.  

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