Photoshopped by Ethan Brown (COM/CAS '21)
Ethan Brown (COM/CAS '21)

Ethan Brown is a senior from Bethel, Connecticut majoring in Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy with a minor in Innovation & Entrepreneurship. He also started a comedy podcast and never stops talking about it, so he's arguably even worse than improv people. You probably shouldn't even read his articles, it'll just encourage him.

When I read Divest BU’s new proposal on why BU should move its fossil fuel investments to more sustainable alternatives, I made the important realization that BU actually needs to be investing its endowment in something way more sustainable, and awesome: my friend Greg’s cantaloupe-flavored body spray.

Investing in fossil fuels harms the environment, contributes to climate change, and disproportionately affects low-income communities. There’s only one clear solution, and it smells like America’s seventh-favorite fruit. Unlike fossil fuels, investing in Greg’s high-end cantaloupe body mist would probably not harm the earth, and it would help my low-income friend, Greg.

Not only is investing in Greg’s high school science project-turned-Questrom senior thesis perfectly in line with BU’s core values, it will actually make sure BU doesn’t lose all its money as renewable energy takes over. Before stock prices of fossil fuels drop, BU’s most logical, straightforward move is to invest its entire 2.18 billion dollar endowment into my fraternity brother Greg’s rising startup that The Boston Globe called “stop calling, we’re not going to write a catchy quote about this,” where stock prices can only go up. And not just because his stock is currently valued at zero dollars.

I’m not just Greg’s best friend, but I’m also his confidant, which is how I know that his cantaloupe-flavored body spray is a complicated formula of Axe mixed with boiling cantaloupe juice. BU is here to promote students’ best interests, and by not investing an endowment equivalent to the GDP of Armenia into Greg’s melon perfume conglomerate so he can purchase 100 abandoned garages to store his warning labels reading “DO NOT SHOWER, SHAVE, WEAR DEODORANT, BRUSH TEETH, OR DO LAUNDRY WITHIN 144 HOURS OF WEARING BODY SPRAY,” BU is abandoning its very purpose.

Until this campus is filled with an everlasting smell of body odor and cantaloupe, I will fight for the reinvestment of BU’s endowment into Greg’s body spray, because that’s what environmentalism is all about.

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