Photoshopped by Lauren Kelmar (COM '21).

1. you didn’t know how to vote: Daughter

You have the internet, but apparently you don’t know how to read, much like a tiny little baby. Unlike an actual child though, you are over the age of 18 and forfeited your constitutional right to vote because you were too lazy to figure out how.

2. you didn’t like either candidate and opted out: martha

Marthas are servants in a commander’s household which is perfect because you don’t like making choices for yourself and Marthas can’t, so you aspire to be like them. Instead of using your brain to think through the options and make the tough decisions, you will have the honor of being a domestic servant and are always one small mistake away from literal death.

3. You didn’t vote and you’ve never voted in any election: wife

You are so conflicted, so you let other people do the work for you. You’re safe no matter what so it doesn’t even make sense for you to vote. You’re where you need to be girlfriend! You’ll just marry some high-society guy but never be physically intimate with him while he has sex with other women though, hope that’s ok.

4. you are from a blue state and think your vote didn’t matter: aunt

You like the comfort in knowing you’ll be fine because all you need is a blue commander in chief. But when your local and state officials begin slowly restricting access to abortion and healthcare, or funneling millions of dollars into the police department, you will cry out wishing there was something else you could’ve done. 

5. you didn’t vote because you wanted it to be bernie sanders: unwomen

Congratulations on your cleared conscience! You’re so right, by the way I mean how could you possibly live with yourself if you voted for either of them, lucky for you you probably won’t for long. The unwomen work with nuclear waste and spend the rest of your days digging up toxic land, but hey, I’m sure none of them spend their days regretting who they voted for!

6. you’re under the age of 18: Handmiad

You are literally not eligible to vote and therefore can’t participate, but you still got the short end of the stick. Just like the handmaids, many of you tried your best to make your voices heard but the oppressive government election policies kept you down anyway. Anyone down for a revolution?

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