Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21).
Emma Simonoff (COM '21)

Emma Simonoff is a Sophomore studying Film and TV.

There are a lot of birds on BU’s campus, and the world is their oyster when it comes to shitting. We asked 5 BU Birds to tell us their favorite place to shit on campus. These are their answers.

Grode likes to shit at the Charles River Bread Co

You know that pigeon that somehow gets into the GSU and everyone is like hey how did that pigeon get in here? That’s me, Grode. I like to shit at CRBC because I thrive in the chaos of a fast-casual sandwich establishment. When I have the time to choose, I like to shit in the vat of chipotle mayo, but honestly I’ll go in any mayonnaise product.

Tweety likes to shit on the Rhett Bench

I may look small, but I hold shit like a camel holds piss. Normal birds shit whenever they need to, but I hold it in all day just for the thrill of dropping my load on that dog-man’s head because he killed my father and I want him to suffer.

Peanut likes to shit on Marsh Plaza

I like to shit on Marsh because it’s the heart of BU’s campus. And it’s beautiful in the sunset. Also, Connie Britton walked across it when she took Julie on a college tour in “Friday Night Lights.” I, Peanut the bird, love that show. I know, it’s sad, but it hurts so good. And Kyle Chandler, wow. I swear, that man gets hotter every year. Anyway, yeah my favorite place to shit all over is Marsh Plaza.

Blu likes to shit on the Alumni Center

I actually went to BU, but I was kicked out when they found out I was a bird. So I make it my mission to haunt this campus and shit on the alumni castle every day of my death. Did I mention I’m a ghost?

Excalibur will shit anywhere

I have B.I.B.S (Bird I.B.S.), so really, I’m always shitting. The better question for me would be what I’m not shitting on. And the answer would be nowhere. Because I shit everywhere. Everywhere.

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