CAS—Sources report that today during her Political Science class, Suzy Kettle (CAS ’17) spilled her tomato soup all over her new white dress, leaving spectators wondering when she’ll learn to stop wearing white.

“I can’t believe this! What? Not again!” said Suzy, “I should have seen this coming. My white dress! Ugh, oh well, at least it wasn’t my new grandma sweater from Goodwill. I am literally 90 years old sometimes!”

The stain is reported to have fallen directly on to her lap, at which point she said, “Oh my goodness gracious!” and smeared it all over the rest of her dress in an attempt to remove the stain. Reports confirm that afterwards, Suzy stood up, tripping on a desk and dropping all of her binders. At this point, the love of her life entered the room and helped her clean them up, and while doing so made eye contact and fell madly in love with her.

“Listen, wearing white is risky business. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, so Suzy needs to just figure that out already,” said classmate Brian Rivers (COM ’17). “She’s always knocking things over, tripping on things, and being all wacky, how did she not see this coming?”

At press time, Suzy was updating her Facebook cover photo to a screenshot from the popular Halloween movie Hocus Pocus.

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