Photoshopped by Maddy Schmidt (COM '21).

BOSTON— You’ve finally done it. You’ve matched with the guy on Tinder who is most likely not going to kill you and isn’t wearing Vineyard Vines in his profile pictures. The only obstacle? His bio says he’s a Revolutionary War reenactor. But you’re not shallow, and you manage to look past that. Between DMing on Instagram and the occasional risqué Snapchat, you’re convinced he might actually be the one. 

You put on your best underwear and head over to his place, anxious yet excited. He greets you with the same charming smile from before, but there’s a tangible level of awkwardness that you can’t help but question. Perhaps it’s the tricorn hat he’s donning, but you shake away the thought.

“You good?” you ask, hoping the answer is anything but no. He fumbles with the drawstring on his sweatpants and— wait, are those britches? He begins to mention something about someone… coming? You struggle to understand what he means as it slowly dawns on you that he isn’t just talking about the two of you later this evening— he’s talking about the British, and he’s Paul Revere. 

Somewhere between an innuendo and a misquotation of “one if by land, two if by my seed,” you realize that the Mrs. Rachel Walker-Revere combination cosplay-lingerie set laying on the bed is meant for you. It’s flattering, you admit, but the five layers of petticoats aren’t doing much for your figure.

It very quickly becomes clear that you need to leave fast, because you almost certainly will not be the British tonight. Here is your 3 step guide to booking it back home ASAP:

  1. Mention right off the bat that ‘God Save the Queen’ is on your sex playlist. 
  2. Argue from a Brit’s point of view. You need to emphasize that the tariffs imposed by the Townshend Acts of 1767 were a sufficient level of taxation for the British East India Company’s sale of Chinese tea in the American colonies and that colonists don’t necessarily deserve parliamentary representation. 
  3. When he declares you to be a ‘dirty Crown Loyalist’ and pulls out his musket, just calmly get up and walk away. It’ll take him five minutes to load the damn thing anyway.

I hope this helped, ladies! Remember to stay safe and stay tuned next week for what to do when your hookup tries Marie Antoinette roleplay! 

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