Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Joshua Cram

Josh is a freshman from Malden, MA. He is currently studying International Relations in the Pardee School.

MARSH PLAZA — Earlier this week, five thirty-year-olds were found hugging and crying on Marsh Plaza. They were identified as freshmen from the class of 2011 who accidentally boarded the medical campus bus in the fall of 2007. 

“We can’t believe we made it back,” said Martin Hopkins (CAS ‘11), still wearing the “Life is Good” t-shirt he had on when boarding the bus twelve years ago.

The long-lost freshman asked questions like, “Is Joe Biden still running for President?” and “Is Grey’s Anatomy still on?” Nothing could really make them understand how long they had been gone since the world seemed unchanged, until they were told the School of Management was renamed the Questrom School of Business.

“It was the fight of our lives,” said Jenna Lin (CAS ‘11). At first, the students planned to board another bus to get back to the Charles River Campus that they knew and loved. However, within minutes the group broke out in hysteria. 

Sally Freeman (ENG ‘11) was so concerned about being late to her chemistry midterm that she ran as fast as she could back north. Stumbling upon Northeastern and scared of having to face her chemistry professor again, Freeman remained at Northeastern and graduated in 2011. Others, however, were not so fortunate. 

“We lost many brave men and women on our way back,” said Harry Garrison (COM ‘11). “The swine flu of 2009 took many of us who had not received our required immunizations.” 

When asked about the future of these students, Admissions Director Tyler Riley said, “Their grades may have got them accepted in 2007, but definitely not in 2019.” 

Not knowing any better, the students accepted iPhone 3s in place of diplomas. 

“This phone is the epitome of technology,” Hopkins said. “This must be worth thousands!”

At press time, The Bunion discovered footage that revealed that all of the lost students had stepped on the seal before boarding the bus. Watch where you step, folks. 

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