WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a record setting, groundbreaking (9-0) decision, the Supreme Court of the United States has decided that wearing high school apparel in college is not protected by the First Amendment.

As Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg acknowledged, the first amendment allows for “freedom of speech, religion, peaceful assembly, and press,” not to “act like a fucking dickhead parading around your senior year shirt.”

“It is my, and the Supreme Court’s, opinion that the needs and rights of our nation’s college professors should be upheld and protected,” said Supreme Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. “The linguistic gymnastics some of these high schools have to go through to fit in the school’s name, class’ name, and graduation date in the back of a 30-inch shirt are not only utterly preposterous, but also carry an adverse effect on America’s higher education faculty.”

“How are we supposed to read these things?” asked one confused professor, “It’s all numbers. I saw one shirt that just said 8008s. I find it very hard to believe that’s an actual senior year class shirt.”

The Supreme Court’s landmark decision to oppose the usage of high school senior year ‘shirts, hoodies, headbands, and other class related paraphernalia’ came as a surprise to the many college-bound freshmen who, according to Supreme Justice John G. Roberts Jr. “can’t get over themselves.”

“Yeah, well I think the Supreme Court’s decision is a whole bunch of malarkey,” said Eric Holmes (ENG ‘22), leader and chairman of the ‘High School Senior Rights Are Human Rights’ activist group at Boston University.

“The so-called Supreme Court will not divide us. We will continue to fight for what we believe to be right,” added Holmes. “And what we believe to be right is the power and privilege to wear the only thing that gives us comfort and a sense of home in this completely foreign and new place we have thrown ourselves into for the sake of getting a good education.”

At press time, Holmes and his fellow party members have been wearing their class shirts every day for a month. By day 15, these students have started to pass out in class due to their foul stench. Professors haven’t noticed the fainted students, only their terrible shirt designs.

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