Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Ethan Brown (COM/CAS '21)

Ethan is a junior from Bethel, CT studying Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy.

It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. After seven and a half years of deliberation, The Bunion has finally ranked all 18,515 Boston University undergraduate students, and when we saw that Max Smith came in 13,648th, we were absolutely SHOCKED!

At 13,648th, Max beat out a long list of students. Is he average? Hell no. Below average? I wouldn’t go that far. Average-to-below-average? There’s the sweet spot. As the UMass Boston of students, you’ve got to give Max credit for beating out formidable contenders like Derek Jones (14,232nd), Kayla Kasselhopper (15,309th), and the biggest upset of them all, John Kilachand, who had the #1 seed but fell to 18,274th after we discovered his last name was just a coincidence.

Way to go, Max!

Does Max have some work to do? Sure. After deciding not to go to his Econ discussion section except for the week before the exam, Max certainly showed why he’s not at the top of the list. His ethically questionable move to take the Warren elevator down from floor seven one day freshman year guaranteed he was out of the top ten-thousand. And when he missed the urinal on the Famed Piss of April 22, 2019, he also missed his shot at being ranked above Eric Gallagher (178th), Most Accurate Pissah at Boston University.

But not all hope is lost for Max. Since the ranking was finalized, Dina Wisakoff (10,945th) stole a banana from Bay State, and Jack Heff (12,482nd) failed to open the super heavy Warren handicapped door for the eighty-second time in a row. And you can sure as hell bet that if Tanner Kensington (8,909th) doesn’t make the e-board of his a cappella group, then we’ve got to start this entire thing over from scratch. If Max focuses on the little things, like stapling homework assignments, cleaning up the little hairs that fall into the sink when he shaves, and committing fewer armed robberies, he’s sure to get a four-digit ranking in the near future.

Max, you sure haven’t made your parents proud, but at least they’re not as disappointed in you as mine are in me for spending seven and a half years pursuing a career making arbitrary rankings.

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