Bunion: Thanks for meeting with us today… now, do you prefer ‘Mr. Pumpkin,’ or can I just call you ‘Pumpkin?’
Stone Pumpkin: My name isn’t ‘Pumpkin.’ It’s actually Peter Gourd. How would you feel if I just called you ‘Human?’
Bunion: My apologies, Mr. Gourd. Let’s move past that. My first question- how old are you?
Stone Pumpkin: I was carved when BU was first founded, by a guy named Tommy, but then someone was like ‘Hey Tommy, thats stone, where are you gonna put that during all of the other seasons’ and Tommy was like, ‘I’m gonna put this pumpkin one mile west of campus, no way anyone will ever find it there or campus will progress and expand as a campus.’ But here we are.
Bunion: Jesus… That’s terrible. Well, I suppose you’ve seen a lot change over the last few centuries. Tell us about that.
Stone Pumpkin: Certainly… this land used to be full of rolling green hills and lush forests. I could watch deer gallop by, and wake up to the sound of birds chirping. Now, I can’t sleep through a Friday night without listening to five or six freshmen puke into the bushes behind me!
Bunion: You know, this conversation’s taken a much more negative turn than I expected. Let’s try and lighten the mood a bit… tell me, Mr. Gourd, why is Halloween your favorite holiday?
Stone Pumpkin: My favorite holiday? Who told you that?
Bunion: I-I just assumed…
Stone Pumpkin: Well, you assumed wrong! As a pumpkin, why would I enjoy a holiday that revolves around ripping out other pumpkins’ guts and carving their faces for human enjoyment?
Bunion: Oh my god! I never even realized…
Stone Pumpkin: I’ve heard humans dismember entire generations of my fellow pumpkins, then display their rotting carcasses for weeks. I can still hear the screams…
Bunion: Mr. Gourd, there must be something about Halloween you don’t mind. I mean, at least they light you up every October!
Stone Pumpkin: Well, that actually is pretty cool. I do make it into a lot of Instagram pictures.
Bunion: You’re a celebrity, Mr. Gourd. Now, can you explain to me why Boston University decided to display you here, next to Nickerson Field?
Stone Pumpkin: Oh, I have no idea. I’m pretty sure the administration forgot I’m here. It doesn’t really make any sense to have a stone pumpkin in the middle of a college campus, does it?
Bunion: What do you mean by that?
Stone Pumpkin: I don’t know. It’s just sometimes, when I see hundreds of people walk by every day and not even look at me, I wonder if I ever should have been carved at all.
Bunion: Now, Mr. Gourd, don’t be so hard on yourself.
[Anderson Cooper leans in and gives Stone Pumpkin a hug.]
Stone Pumpkin: Wait, what’s that smell?
Bunion: You can smell?
Stone Pumpkin: Hold on… that coffee you’re drinking…
Bunion: No! It’s not what you think, Mr. Gourd!
Stone Pumpkin: You’re drinking a pumpkin spice latte! What the hell!
Bunion: I’m sorry, Mr. Gourd! I have a problem!
Stone Pumpkin: This interview is over.
Bunion: What are you going to do, walk away?
[Stone Pumpkin sprouts giant stone legs.]
Bunion: Oh my god! Quick, run away!
[Loud stomps are heard, then a loud crunch as the Stone Pumpkin smashes our tape recorder.]
Neither Mr. Cooper nor the Stone Pumpkin has been seen since the conclusion of this interview. The BUPD has advised all students to avoid any pumpkin carving festivals or Starbucks until the situation is resolved.