WARREN TOWERS—Sources confirm that a group of students who stand outside Warren Towers and smoke cigarettes have banded together this week to form an official union: The Smokers Minding Other’s Grounds, or more commonly known as SMOG.

The SMOG is requesting many changes to the front area of Warren, including tempurpedic mats for the benches and
ground, UV therapy lights, used gum clean up, tiki lamps, and complementary lighters. They also plan on reserving a poster space on the side of Warren Towers to promote their ad campaign which features the tagline “STOP COUGHING WHEN YOU PASS US. WE KNOW YOU DON’T ACTUALLY NEED TO COUGH.”

“It’s honestly a complete disaster.” said Randy Coughlin (COM ’17) “There are puddles on the ground and the ruin my timberlands. And it’s so crowded in the cave that someone lit my man bun on fire the other day. There’s no space, and this is a matter of human rights. I need something to be offended about.”

While the SMOG is not currently recognized as a labor union by the United States government, they claim to be diligently working to fill out the paperwork to make this happen, after they “finish one more cig.”

The SMOG also wants to raise awareness of the difference between pipe smoking, commonly seen outside of the College of Fine Arts, versus cigarette smoking, which is what they stand for. Tara Newly (CGS 18’), part of SMOG, says, “There’s definitely a difference. What do they think this is, 1923? Are we a bunch of old wizards that sit out on the bayou to watch the crocidiles? No, we are not associated with them. We’re punks. We wear Doc Martins.”

At press time, the SMOG squished together on the benches in the front of the dormitory to avoid being hit by chunks of melting snow.

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