By: Sam Vatalaro

In a joint press conference Tuesday morning, President Joe Biden and Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin announced that the staff of the Warren Towers Starbucks would be formally added as the seventh branch of the United States Military. 

“Their bravery in the face of viciousness, composure under the greatest of pressures, and ability to make the little cold foam always sit on top of the cold brew is admirable,” President Biden said in his speech. “I am proud that they’re working minimum wage to make matcha lattes and egg bites… for America.” 

Secretary Austin highlighted the unique skills of the Warren branch of the Green Aprons, which has been declared as a “sister force” to the Green Berets“These people have seen some shit,” he proclaimed. “You ever go in there at like 10 in the morning on a Tuesday? It’s like the Battle of the Midway in there. Anyone making four frappuccinos in quick succession definitely deserves VA medical care.”

The pair thanked current baristas for their service, honoring those who attended the ceremony with medals.

“This is cool and all,” said barista Hazel Nuhtlatty (CAS ’23). “But how is a medal with the Starbucks mermaid on it going to help me at all? She’s already on my apron, spreading her mermussy. Maybe they could give us a raise. Or combat training, so we can fight back against the combative patrons- those paper straws could work as ammo. Lord knows they’re not good for anything else.”

Other baristas spoke of what serving meant to them.

“Definitely a resume booster,” said Cole DiBrunofome (QST ’22). “As a business student, I understand the intricacies of running a business, and I really think that my time at Warren Starbucks has shown me the cutthroat, ruthless, heartless approach customers seem to want. Why would they treat us that way if they didn’t want to get it back? But yes, I’ve already made three LinkedIn posts about this ceremony. As a business student, it’s important to make your presence known- did I mention I’m a business student?”

 President Biden is optimistic that the program will be a success.

“The best and brightest,” he said, gesturing to the group of baristas standing before him. “I’m proud to know so many citizens would selflessly give up their lives and sanity so that others may caffeinate.” Moments later, on a hot mic, the President reportedly muttered “Dunkin or die, bitches.”  

At press time, the Warren Basho Express was reportedly in talks to join the U.S Space Force, for reasons unclear.

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