WARREN TOWERS—Sources confirmed today that the Warren Mailroom is closing right this instant, despite hundreds of students’ dependence on it for both mail and printing.
“You think I give a shit about the WR150 paper you need to print? Nah bitch—I’m out,” said mailroom employee Scooter Mitchell as he flipped off several freshman from B Tower waiting to pick up their freshly printed essays.
“It’s 4:20 somewhere, am I right guys?” Mitchell added, high fiving fellow employees before knocking over a pile of packages labeled as fragile.
Students living in Warren are calling this early closing a “massive inconvenience,” citing widespread missed paper deadlines and urgent packages currently inaccessible.
“My mom sent me a care package that I know has at least a 6-pack of yellow Gatorade, another Kid Cudi poster for my room, and a tide to-go stick,” exclaimed panicking freshman Dirk Jimbleberg. “I’m sure it’s just sitting right inside that room, but the door is locked and there’s a sign up that says, ‘Gone Fishing Muthafuckas’ I don’t know what to do.”
Mitchell and other employees reportedly dismissed students’ grievances by tweeting, “West is best #closedasfuck.”
At press time, mailroom staff members were spotted in the Warren Dining Hall eating soft-serve ice-cream and drinking from a box of Franzia.