by Ella Chandler

If you saw a hoard of scientists in hazmat suits by Warren Towers, you witnessed history in the making. Last week, students in Warren issued yet another complaint for BU to take care of the increasing mold growth occurring in the showers. Our inside sources tell us Boston University’s Financial Council decided to stop putting funds into fixing Warren since they deemed it too far gone, so the council justified leaving the mold by saying it was a rare species that had to be preserved. But the council did not foresee their lie becoming a reality, or how the US government was going to get involved.

“It’s truly remarkable circumstances,” says Harry Mould, one of the guys in hazmat suits employed by the government to investigate the scene. “The mold has resurfaced due to a combination of factors that have never been replicated before since the original environment.” When asked about what exactly the factors were, Mould hastily said he couldn’t talk to me anymore, and proceeded to back away slowly while maintaining eye contact. When I heard Mould’s supervisor holler “Did you use the techniques we taught you boy?!” it all began to add up. 

The men in hazmat suits packed up their trash from lunch instead of putting it in the trash bins on the sidewalk. Leave no trace. A girl asked a hazmat suit guy if she could have a bite of his granola bar because she was out of meal swipes, and used her last dining points on GSU Starbucks that got stolen. Once again, he backed away slowly while keeping eye contact, silently denying her. Don’t feed the animals. These men were following the rules of a national park. I wanted to see if my hunch was right, so I scurried and hid in a bush near a few of the scientists to eavesdrop. 

“Why are we treating the kids like animals again?” Harry Mould muttered. A guy in a fancy hazmat suit, probably the head honcho of the whole thing, got right up in Mould’s face and said: “Because some of them are animals ya dummy – they’ve been committing the heinous act that caused the mold to resurface. The factors that made the mold flourish are the combination of tears and STDs on the damp shower floor. These fuckers are sitting and crying in the showers so much, they don’t even care about how they’re sitting on mold!”

Maybe it’s not like they don’t care that they are sitting on mold, but more like they don’t know. Just a heads up if you live in Warren, this mold happens to look like an inviting, velvety green shower mat. And it’s a really comfy thing to cry on after a long day, but you didn’t hear that from me.

Leave a Reply