WARREN DINING—American business magnate and one of the world’s wealthiest people, Warren Buffett, announced Friday that he will be suing Boston University over the concept of the Warren Buffet.
Citing obscure legal code over the defamation of the Buffett brand image, Mr. Buffett’s attorneys released a statement claiming, “Boston University has repeatedly buffered Mr. Buffett’s attempts to settle this buffet issue in a friendly manner, and are now forced to buffet this school’s checkbook.”
“Mr. Buffett wants to make this transition as easy as possible,” the statement continued. “He would like to offer free name suggestions such as Warren Cafeteria, Warren Smorgasbord or Jimmy Buffet, you know, something more befitting.”
He and President Brown met privately over the weekend to resolve this matter quietly. Onlookers reported seeing Brown on his knees begging Mr. Buffett to invest his fortune in BU. As he left the Brown estate, Mr. Buffett was seen laughing and wiping away tears from his eyes.
Mr. Buffett’s Public Relations team has stressed his longstanding commitment to higher education. He agreed to settle the dispute if Warren will change its name and pay a symbolic fee of $50,000, or the price of a freshman’s dreams.
“You’re next, Marciano!” called Mr. Buffett as he wagged his finger down at the roof of 100 Bay State. Prospective high school students and parents were visibly impressed by the heliport on the roof of 100 Bay State.
At press time, Mr. Buffett was seen yelling at kitchen staff about not being let into the Gluten Free pantry.