Timothy Choi (COM '22)

Tim is a freshman from a cornfield just outside of Chicago, IL studying Film & Television.

WARREN TOWERS—Didn’t study for that pesky stats test? Need a quick and easy way to buy yourself more time to read that novel? Trying to clear out your schedule so you can finally achieve your dream of digging a hole through all eighteen floors of Warren Towers? Get out of any final with The Bunion’s tried and true method of wasps!

Wasps are an easy and organic way to put a halt to any final without bending over backwards to conjure up excuses or stay up late studying. When purchasing your wasps, we recommend the bald-faced hornet or the ground digger wasp as more commonly available species, but if you’re feeling frisky, try splurging and going for some tarantula hawks! Always talk to your local wasp farmers about what’s in season. A little research on wasps now will save you a load of research on final papers later!

Now that you have your wasps, sit very still in a chair and allow them to construct a nest on your body. This is where patience comes in. Wasp nests can take up to three weeks to build. But hey, anything’s better than having to sit down and responsibly study for your finals!

Once your body hive is constructed, you’re good to go! Just put on a heavy trench coat and stroll into your final-of-choice. Do a little dance to get the wasps really riled up, then open up your coat to unleash a storm of suffering upon everyone in your immediate vicinity like the eleventh plague of Egypt. Perhaps when you were a mere human, you would have to take a final, but you are now an Eldritch abomination, broken and stung into a higher form, unconcerned with mortal affairs like tests and degrees.

We hope you find this quick and easy tip helpful! Good luck!

Leave a Reply