BOSTON—President Brown released an official statement yesterday after reports of vandalism surfaced on BU’s campus.
“It has come to my attention that a downright evil member of our community – either BU or the surrounding Allston or Brookline suburbs – entered our beloved Mugar Memorial Library, walked right into the men’s bathroom on the first floor, entered the last stall on the right and defaced the wall,” said President Brown. Sources say that the wall was vandalized by an unknown perpetrator, who left a behind a pen drawing of a stick-figure labeled “Mitt Romney” pleasuring himself to two circles representing boobs. A disgruntled President Brown continued, “I am disgusted by this indecent behavior and I will not tolerate it in our community. To show my resolve against this act, I hereby pledge a reward of $600,000,000,000,000,000 to students with any information on the person who has disgraced our university.”
“Our school is an historic institution, loved by all its students, faculty, staff, and alumni,” said Brown. “For anyone to draw picture so abhorrent and revolting and get away with it is out of the question. This perpetrator has defiled Boston University in the same way that his stick figure is shown defiling those boob-like circles. Do you think Mitt Romney – an outstanding Massachussetts citizen, nevertheless – would encourage ejaculating on America’s colleges? This drawing is an insult to me, you, Mr. Romney, and all of Boston University.”
Because he believes this act is so deplorable, President Brown has pledged $600 quadrillion, 3,000 times greater than the United States Federal Budget, to anyone who provides information leading to the arrest of the criminal.
“If you saw anyone leaving the stall, we will give you $600 quadrillion. If you let us know about someone who may have done it, we will give you $600 quadrillion. We hope you can see how seriously we are taking this situation by how much money we are offering you to make you do the work for us.”
At press time, the only details on the suspect is that he was a black male wearing a hoodie.