Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)

Lily Dales (CAS '21) is an English and history major from Dallas, TX. Catch her accidentally falling on Comm Ave (she's quirky and can't help it). If you are going to speak to her in Spanish, please address her in the formal "usted."

BOSTON— Boston University will add the field of ‘Staying Woke’ to the Hub Curriculum.  The administration’s decision is an expected next step after implementing campus-wide free menstrual product dispensers this year.

President Brown denied allegations that adding ‘Staying Woke’ has anything to do with his own white guilt. He also noted that it is simply a coincidence that his preferred pronouns [him/his] are the same of the Lorax’s. 

“It is important for students to gain multicultural knowledge in order to thrive in an increasingly globalized environment, cause you know, YOLO,” Brown said.

BU Hillel and Marsh Chapel plan to adopt new initiatives in tune with this new curriculum. Both organizations will now offer services so woke that they require the Rabbi or Priest to be a woman. Though Questrom neglected to sponsor any courses in this field, students can fulfill ‘Staying Woke’ requirements through multiple departments and areas of study. CFA designated a safe space that will hold seminars in which students will be free to discuss what it means to be a cool lesbian. In addition, BU announced the new CAS Department of Inclusivity which will require the prerequisite class “Not Touching Hair 101” for all white students. 

Some students commend the university for its efforts to stay woke; however, others disagree. Chad from PIKE (QST ‘20) stated that he is, “woke enough, dawg”, and that his three female friends (whom he hasn’t hooked up with) are proof of his progressive, feminist attitude. 

President of the Septum Piercing Club Carly Campbell (COM ‘22) shared her grievances with the new curriculum. 

“BU is literally attacking my self-esteem,” Campbell said. “I’m outraged that people assume that all white people are just insensitive and clueless. I’ve never touched a black person’s hair. Ever. And I work at a hair salon! My gay best friend and I are always going to art exhibits… Asian art exhibits.”

At press time, Carly was seen petting a service dog.

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