WARREN TOWERS—Sources report that freshman Horton Springfield (SAR ’21) has been given the Fall semester housing assignment of a three story cement tower located two klicks off of the shore of the Massachusetts Bay.

“I’m trying to make the best of what I got,” reported Springfield. “Sure if I keep my window open for too long unruly waves hurl scores of lobsters onto my bed.”

“But I like to think that just means that every night is lobster night for ol’ Horton.”

When questioned about the possibility of Springfield being able to swap into a more suitable room, BU Housing and Residence Life both failed to provide any satisfying solutions.

“While we understand Mr. Springfield’s current assigned room is less than ideal, we cannot help Mr. Springfield at this point, that’s the job of BU Reslife,” explained head of BU Housing Magenta Collins.

“Although Mr. Springfield’s predicament in his assigned room is unfortunate, we cannot be of assistance to Mr. Springfield at this point, that’s the job of the Housing office,” explained head of BU Reslife Violet Mollins.

“I should know, I’m the boss of this office even though this is my first day on the job and my resume was a paper mache piñata filled with bees,” continued Mollins.

At press time, Springfield was seen awkwardly introducing himself to his roommate, Poseidon “Stumpy” Plankwalker (PIR ’19).

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