Photoshopped by Ahmin Thornhill (COM '20)
Chase Madden (QST '20)

Chase studies finance at Questrom and undoubtedly would be placed in Slytherin because of it.

BU BRIDGE—What started out as a routine campus tour quickly turned into the tour from hell. Potential student Sarah Mason said once they hit the bridge everything became a blur.

Madness broke out. John Marin, a high school senior from Kansas, claimed the last thing he remembered before everything went dark was a student pushing on a pull door at College of General Studies.

Some people in the group even made it as far as the dining hall, where one parent described the area as similar to, “a Soviet Union dining hall.”

BU officials said the incident is a warning to others.

“This is a perfect example of the danger west campus poses,” said Scott Meyers. “We know there is nothing worth going out there for besides the Chipotle, so for God’s sake just stay away.”

Despite being unprompted and unaware of the situation all together, President Brown was heard yelling “those dumbasses deserved it.”

Linda Point and the rest of the admissions office were given a thrashing for the incident.

“There’s nothing out there that perspective students need to see,” said Sarah Emery, Director of Admissions. “What were you thinking going down there? You think we get 60k a year from these people by showing them the clusterfuck that Allston is?”

Diane Sloane, Associate Provost of Undergraduate Admissions, was still trying to put a positive spin on the ordeal.

“It’s a shame nobody saw the gym,” said Sloane. “Sometimes, people choose BU and the crippling debt because of the education they’ll potentially receive, but others choose it so they have more room to bench press, and that’s okay.”

At press time, three people are still missing from the tour. One was last seen entering Brookline. Officials have said to fear for the worse.

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