This is not political. This is unbiased journalism. If you’re not ready for the hard facts, I suggest you not read this riveting take on the state of our country.

A crisis has overtaken the United States and I’m not talking about a pandemic. I’m talking about Tucker Carlson’s hair – an insult to frat bros everywhere. My sources tell me that the man is 51 years old, too old to be looking like he’s about to text “You up?” at 1 a.m.

I tune into Fox News for only three reasons:

  1. I temporarily become a “pick me” girl and want a guy to text me back
  2. I’ve downed a bottle of wine
  3. I’m trying to scope out a potential job in case I don’t graduate

That being said, I’m not a regular viewer, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy tuning in to see Tuck scream into the void about how Christian white males are oppressed. Sometimes I think his producers are going to hand him a lacrosse stick or that he’s going to slip something into my drink from across the screen.

I’m not here to say whether I agree with his ideologies. Remember, I’m an unbiased journalist focused on bringing people the truth. I will say this though: If he decides to run for President in 2024, I will be seeking asylum.

In conclusion, Tucker Carlson needs a haircut, a reality check and for someone to tell him that he’s “too emotional” – all in that order.

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