WHITESTONES—CNN has reported that the attendance of Trump’s presidential Inauguration was quite low. However, numerous BU students have reported that the numbers were not nearly as bad as Jim’s shitty ass party.
“Trump ran on a platform of bigotry, racism, and sexism. 250,000 people still showed up. Meanwhile, Jim’s a friendly guy, and six people showed,” reports Matthew Baker, political analyst and friend of Jim. “My theory: no chips. Say what you will about Donald Trump, but the man provides chips. Jim forgets these things.”
Matthew Baker also pointed to Jim’s entertainment as a source of the failure. Trump was able to get America’s Got Talent runner up, Jackie Evancho, while Jim was only able to secure season five’s fourth place contestant, Prince Poppycock. “Opera doesn’t draw crowds. Blonde sixteen-year-olds draw crowds,” Baker reminded The Bunion.
While many are complaining about Jim’s party, he is not having it. He says that there weren’t six people, but at least 12. “The snaps and instas taken at my party are completely manipulative,” says Jim. “At least two people were in the bathroom when most of them were taken, and no one used the panorama to capture the full scope of the bash!”
At press time, students, though angered by the new president, were relieved that at least Jim is not running our country for the next four years.