‘Tis the height of spooky season and Halloween is fast approaching. As Halloweekend gets closer, it is time to start planning your outfits, or for most men, that means getting something together at the last minute. Men often fall into the same archetypes of or Jim from The Office. It is time that men dress in outfits that actually get them laid. So, without further ado here are the sexiest costumes a man can wear this Halloween… 

  1. Silence

A simple and necessary request for peace on one of the most reverent days for women. A day reserved for dressing in cute outfits and taking cute pictures and eating cute candy. Is it too much to ask for freedom from the haunting incantations of “What are you supposed to be?”, “Yeah, my favorite movie is Joker.”, and “Not to play devil’s advocate, but…”? Silence is always in fashion and style. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be Halloween for men to be this quiet all the time! Just something to consider…. 

  1. Jacob in His “Where The Hell Have You Been Loca?” Era

Yes, it is relevant. Yes, it is overplayed, but it is still a sure thing to evoke a tsunami of laughter from Gen Z bitches. Fellas, you put on that Party City wig and say the damn line with a smile ‘cause having Jacob Black in the flesh for a Halloween party will bring more serotonin to a young woman’s life than you know what to do with it. 

  1. Rasputin

Now, lads, I do not who would not want to embody the persona of the sexiest sorcerer in all of Russia for a night. This guy was an absolute Sex God (feel free to Google his, er, body parts donated to science), and not to mention survived at least 6 assassination attempts. He even has a song named after him by Boney M! Whenever that track plays you get the opportunity to show off those moves you learned from Just Dance II and the ladies will come running. 

  1. The Onceler 

He’s so bad, but he does it so well. There is a certain type of young lady that had way too much access to the internet at a young that will go feral over this costume… I mean, literally frothing at the mouth. The Onceler’s sex appeal is apparent through his emerald outfits and fringe haircut, so go big or go home. Sure, he may be super inconsiderate of the environment but it’s pretty much the equivalent of a guy who’s super into NFTs. 

  1. Evan Hansen

Here me out…this is a costume not for the faint of heart. You’re not going for laughs, you’re going for gasps. This costume is genuinely terrifying as Evan Hansen, the Broadway equivalent to the Joker, is a sociopath, but he’s also really relevant right now. This costume can only work if it is presented as camp and this amount of dedication will prove that you are no scrub. 

Note to editor:

I wrote this then realized The Onceler was sexier….

BONUS: The Lorax

Hear me out on this one. The Lorax is a certified short king who rocks a good ‘ole pornstache. The costume itself might seem daunting, but beauty is pain, so lather on the orange foundation, baby. Also, a guy who is concerned about the environment is hot. 

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