By Fiona Broadie

It’s that time of year again, and your new tattoo and dyed hair are not going to go over well at Grandma’s house. You really thought you could get through the winter unscathed by an assortment of offensive comments? Ha! Not with your grandma sitting across from you at supper, eyeing your new, “interesting” look over the mashed potatoes. 

But this year, it will be different—because you have come prepared. Grandma better watch out, because that turkey’s not the only thing getting roasted this year. Here are five ideas for you to clap back with at Granny:

1.       If your grandma hits you with the classic “Why are you still single?” this winter, don’t hesitate to reply with “Why are you still in a loveless marriage?” This is a great two-for-one if Grandpa Joe is sitting nearby.

2.       If Grandma says, “Are you really going to eat all that?”, shove your mouth with food, give her a withering stare and say, “Are you really gonna keep dressing like a mannequin for Ann Taylor?”

3.       If Grandma points out your ripped jeans, and says “can I buy you some new pants?” Just reply with, “Can I buy you some new teeth?”

4.       Is Gram-gram on your case for looking at your phone too much? No problem, just say, “Hey Grandma, Facebook called. They said if you post one more anti-vaccine infographic your account will be banned.” Hit em’ where it hurts!

5.       If your grandmother delivers snarky comments on that little crash you got into last month (was def not your fault), just say “If the reindeer doesn’t run you over, I will.”

Is this list not enough to knock your Grandma’s dentures out? Okay, I hear you. Here’s a bonus roast: Beef tenderloin, trim the fat, roast on high for thirty minutes. Your Grandma’s honey-roasted ham will be put to shame. Happy holidays!

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