In the wake of the death of the beloved despised Prince Philip, The Pinky Toe has enlisted its top-notch autopsy team – codename Toe Tags – to compile a list of the top 5 most likely causes of poor Philip’s death. Granted, the man was practically a sack of dirt at the end of his life (and arguably all throughout it), so his death could’ve been caused by a slight draft. However, we at Toe Tags believe that these causes had both the power and timing to make them the most probable contenders. So without further ado, let us begin.
1. Fearless (Taylor’s Version)
Anyone with taste would know and be celebrating that Taylor Swift’s long-awaited rerelease of her life changing album Fearless occurred on the very same day Prince Philip’s death was announced. Coincidence? We think not. While the sheer power of Fearless (Taylor’s Version) would’ve been enough to kill Philip thirteen times over, the album also needed opportunity. Our team thus believes that Prince Philip streamed Fearless (Taylor’s Version) at midnight out of spite – due to his long standing hatred of, well, women – and the combination of staying up past 6 pm and the girlboss power of Taylor’s album killed him dead right then and there.
2. The music video for Montero (Call Me By Your Name)
While Lil Nas X’s iconique music video for Montero (Call Me By Your Name) dropped a couple weeks before Prince Philip did, it is certainly powerful enough to have caused his death long after its initial release. However, our team doesn’t believe the music video killed Prince Philip outright. Instead, we posit that upon watching the music video for the first time (again out of spite, this time for, well, all people of color), Philip entered a severe gay crisis, finding himself attracted to both Lil Nas X and the Devil. Philip struggled with this in the days preceding his death, but ultimately decided he needed to be where the Sexy Devil was. Knowing that he would go to Hell upon his death (because duh), Philip decided to undo the spell that was keeping him alive and allow himself to pass on.
3. A mercenary hired by Oprah
We may not have any concrete evidence for this suggestion, but we still avidly support the Oprah killer theory. We all saw how (rightfully) disgusted Oprah was by the treatment Meghan Markle faced at the hands of the royal family, so it only stands to reason that a person of her power would do something about it. Under this theory, we believe that “something” was hiring a mercenary to kill Prince Philip, probably by hiding under his bed and yelling “Boo!” when he walked into the bedroom. After all, why wouldn’t Oprah want to ensure Philip was silenCED as well?
4. The royal corgis
We also don’t have any evidence for this one, and we understand it may seem like a bit of a stretch at first. But just think about it: Corgis, like any other dog, just want to be seen as sweet, lovable creatures – a reputation that is certainly sullied by being associated with a person as inherently unlovable as Prince Philip. So, tired of having their image ruined by Philip’s own evil reputation, they decided to take matters into their own paws and murder him. If the truth ever came to light, sure, they’d be painted as heartless murderers – but until then, their image as the adorable, grief-stricken companions to the royal family will remain intact.
5. Using the bathroom
This one may not be as flashy as the others, but we felt it was just too obvious to leave out. To put it simply, Prince Philip was practically being held together by Silly String at the end of his life, and we’re fairly certain his physical strength was comparable to that of my dead guinea pig (RIP Tiger). Not to get too graphic, but scientifically speaking, the force required to expel feces would’ve likely been too much for his frail body to handle, causing all sorts of physical failures from a heart attack to autoosteodisintegration (his bones turning to dust). In layman’s terms, dropping a deuce made him drop dead.
Of course, Prince Philip’s death could’ve been caused by quite literally anything that has ever existed. However, based on our extensive research, we at Toe Tags have determined that these five incidents are the most likely causes of Philip’s death. Please let us know what your favorite theories for his cause of death are! The Toe Tag team would love to read them.
P.S. If anyone knows a good lawyer, please give us their name. We haven’t even published this article and we’ve already gotten cease and desist letters from Queen Elizabeth – and her corgis.