Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Ethan Brown (COM/CAS '21)

Ethan is a junior from Bethel, CT studying Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy.

FOXBOROUGH—Gisele Bündchen’s husband Tom Brady confirmed he will not be returning to the New England Patriots next year, but not without a long kiss goodbye on the lips.

Brady leaves behind a historic twenty-year legacy with New England, having lost three Super Bowls and four AFC Championship games. Only one quarterback in the history of the National Football League—Jim Kelly—has lost more Super Bowls than Brady.

Monday night, the Patriots entered Brady’s bedroom to inform him they would not be renewing his contract. Lying shirtless on a massage table, Brady closed his eyes, puckered his lips, bounced his pecs, and gestured for the Patriots to “come hither.” The Patriots scurried over and gave Brady a peck.

“That’s all you got?” Brady asked. “We’ve been together for twenty years!”

The Patriots scurried back and laid a slow, tender kiss on Brady’s lips, silently counting One-Vinatieri Two-Vinatieri Three-Vinatieri Four-Vinatieri before pulling their tongue away from his and letting go.

When asked about his Patriots legacy, Brady recalled his intimate relationship with the team. In an unsolicited DM to The Bunion, he wrote, “From 2000 to now, the team has grown so much. We really became a family when we won that first Super Bowl. We bonded over catches, spending time together every Sunday, and who could forget Thanksgiving 2002? And then suddenly they’re growing so fast. You see them going on drives, getting caught doing drugs, making secret tapes. You know, the team raised me as a player, but I kind of feel like I raised them too. I was there for all the big moments.”

“I guess you could say they were like a son to me,” Brady added.

At press time, Brady announced he was looking forward to joining a non-cheating team as he signed a 30 million dollar contract to become the next shortstop of the Houston Astros.

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