GAYSTATE…. Ahem… BAYSTATE ROAD – After a confusing text chain to plan a group hangout, local straight man is unsure if he fits the invite.
Instagram: ‘Bigfoot but Emo’ chat:
“Hangout at my dorm later? Movie night? Just a girls, gays, and theys day!”
After reading the message, Albert (Al) Lie (COM ‘23) swiftly joined the rainbow flag and heart emoji reactions. But Al questioned if he was included. He had spent months studying new lingo to keep up with his new peers, learning what exactly it meant to be “yassified” or how to “slay”. Al asks; “I’m not a girl, gay or they; sadly. Just an average, straight guy who made some friends in board games club. So am I allowed to come over?”
When polled, the group members replied: “Huh?”, “Hm?”, and “Of course?”. After sending these replies to Al, he stated that he just “didn’t want to step on any toes.” He also felt the need to keep mentioning that he’s “an ally after all.”
Lez B. Anne (CFA ‘23), founder of the group chat, expands on how Al wound up in the group. “He used to date this girl Taylor, but she left years ago”, she states. “He’s a nice guy, so I guess we didn’t really mind that he stuck around. He is a little clueless about parties though. And DEFINITELY not straight, he doesn’t know it though. Dude gaydar is worse than Euphoria’s adult viewership.”
Doing our LGBduTies, we further investigated this claim. “I’m not bi” Al states, “every straight guy just thinks about his bros sometimes. Like, what it would be like to hold their hand or raise a child together in a completely platonic way. Sure I made out with Jared at 5 different parties this year, but it’s just what guys do.”
“Its literally his birthday” Demi Roman (COM ‘24) says, “This is his birthday party, why wouldn’t he be invited? I figured he’d know.” Well Demi, sometimes our friends are clueless and we just have to accept that.
Al has since told us that he will be attending the hangout; girls, gays, theys, and him. And yes, He decided after learning that Jared would be there.
At pres time, Al has been reported to have suggested watching the movies “blue is the warmest color” and that weird new Pinocchio.