Photo Taken by Jacob Cohen (COM '22), Photoshopped by Kai Hellberg (COM '20)
Ella Morgan (COM '21)

Ella is a sophomore from Houston, Texas studying journalism in COM (and by COM she means CGS but doesn't tell people that). She loves music and hates leftovers.

TITS—Looks like BU students will have to find a new bar to get shwasted at on Thursdays. According to everyone who tried to get in with a fake ID last week, TITS (Tavern in the Square) is closing its doors, due to a cultural shift in preference for ass.

“I’m ready for this change,” said Pike pledge Brad Chaddington, former TITS man and soon-to-be ass man. “Recently all I’ve been thinking about are tits tits tits. I think we’re all ready for a change of scenery.”

“We can thank Kim Kardashian for this,” said Big Joe, former TITS bouncer and firm ass hater. She’s started an epidemic. They’re getting bigger and we just can’t compete anymore.”

According to The Boston Globe, ass preference has almost doubled that for TITS in the past two years.

“I can’t say I didn’t see this coming,” said Stephen DeSousa, former owner of TITS. “I’ve watched as our crowd grows smaller and the asses grow larger. Whatever happens in the future, I will always be a TITS man.”

It is a sad day for TITS and only kind of a victory for women who are sick of being objectified.

There is some good news: DeSousa has released a statement that he is opening a new bar, the Allston Social Square, to appeal to his former customers.

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