Photoshopped by Kai Hellberg (COM '20)
Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)

Maddy Schmidt is a sophomore from New Jersey studying Film & TV. She likes kombucha for the taste.

Frat bro Miles Smith (QST ‘20) tweeted on Friday that he had “finally gone viral,” which was an odd way of letting his friends and past hookups know that he was diagnosed with herpes.

“I don’t want to brag, but I would consider myself an influencer,” said Smith in an exclusive interview with The Bunion. “Ever since I got herpes, it’s like suddenly everyone I hooked up with has it.”

“Miles is just a clout-chaser. You’re not viral if it just goes around once. Talk to me when your STI is bacterial and keeps resurfacing,” said friend Cole D’Sore (QST ‘20), who has been repeatedly diagnosed with chlamydia and gonorrhea.

Past hookups of Smith’s also expressed frustration at the way he broke the news.

“You can’t just call someone you hooked up with at a party a month ago and say ‘I’m a viral sensation.’ It’s misleading, but also, the sex wasn’t that good,” says recent infectee Jamie Thurber (CAS ‘20).

“Luckily herpes is completely curable and there are many preventative measures you can take in order to protect your partner from contracting the virus,” says SARP ambassador Ally Jong. “The first is to admit that your most popular tweet has 12 likes.”

At press time, SARP ambassadors were seen handing out condoms, dental dams, and memes pretty much guaranteed to blow up on social media.

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