BOSTON—In the lead-up to Wednesday’s Student Government elections at Boston University, The Bunion will endorse the political slate most qualified to drop off a briefcase filled with cash in a dark alley behind the newspaper’s office building.

“There are a lot of really important issues facing the student body, like the rising cost of education and an administration deaf to student demands,” said Kevin Helms, The Bunion’s editor-in-chief. “The Bunion is committed to supporting the politicians who can most effectively stuff our pockets with stacks of cold, green cash. Oh, and who can also fix problems, or whatever.”

Two government slates — BU’s Push to Start and True BU— have proposed varying platforms, but both parties have stressed needed reforms to student government.

“We really want students to have greater access to those representing them,” said True BU representative Alexander Golob (CFA ’16). “The decisions we will make can really change things, so the students should have access to a transparent governing body.”

The proposals outlined by BU’s Push to Start include creating a database of student talent accessible by community members.

“We want to set up a keyword-searchable ‘human capital network’ on the Student Government website,” said presidential candidate Richa Kaul (CAS ’16). “This would be a database of student talent, a resources that fosters mutually beneficial partnerships.”

Both slates were communicated by The Bunion on Monday, and told to leave as many greenbacks as possible in a dark alley by 9 p.m. on Tuesday.

“BU’s Push to Start should really start pushing cash into our pockets,” Helms said. “I can’t think of a clever line regarding True BU and bribery, but suffice to say they should also give us some dough.”

At press time, a complacent student body was unaware of the importance of voting in this or any election.

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