BOSTON—Just one week after the end of the Massachusetts senate race, The Bunion is ready to officially endorse Elizabeth Warren, because we like winners.
The staff of The Bunion have spent half hours discussing which candidate would be best for the job, and have decided that it is the one who was elected. Though we do not know much about her politics, and Scott Brown is definitely way more attractive, we think Warren will probably do a pretty good job.
“I saw a commercial where she was talking to construction workers,” said one of the writers. “And that seems like a nice thing. Maybe she knows things about blue collar stuff.”
Although the Daily Free Press made some excellent points in their beautifully written endorsement of Scott Brown, such as how he is “very dedicated to his constituents, such as local fishermen,” that dude still totally lost the election. In losing, Scott Brown proved that he is a loser, and that is not what Massachusetts needs right now. Warren, who proved that she could win the election, seems to us like the best person to have won the election.
Warren is now the first female senator from Massachusetts, so The Bunion would like to make it clear that by endorsing Warren, we are showing that we are pro-women. Women are very good. They are also very capable. Women can do anything men can do, possibly even better. They are also very lovely. They have nice soft skin and their lips are good for kissing. The Bunion also endorses the fact that women have very pretty hair. Sometimes women break your heart (which The Bunion does not endorse), but that is ok, because there are other women who may be just as lovely and you just have not met them yet. The Bunion is thankful for the fact that women are able to give birth, because The Bunion has no interest in going through that pain. Children are little miracles, and women should be thanked for bringing them into the world. The Bunion believes that true love exists, and you just have to find it.
Sometimes, true love is elusive, and seems to slip right through your grasp, but as long as you persevere, you will find your life’s purpose in the eyes of another human being.
For all these reasons, The Bunion believes Elizabeth Warren is the right choice to represent Massachusetts in the United States Senate.