Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Frank Hernandez (COM '20)

Frank is a senior from Puerto Rico studying journalism. His mom thinks he's pretty funny.

We here at The Bunion, don’t take many things seriously. From making fun of CGS to criticizing Juul smokers, we are known for our constant drive to provide biting social commentary on all the issues that matter to you. However with the Massachusetts primaries being next week, we have decided to drop all pretenses and be completely honest, just this once.

We’ll be frank. The establishment’s supposed call of duty has failed us. The status quo’s game is, effectively, over. Time and time again, we see how the working class has been nerfed, while the rich keep getting more overpowered. It’s time for change— super change— in the way we view our politics.

We’ve been keeping a close eye on the campaign trail hoping to find in one of the candidates a glimmer— a rainbow flicker of 2, 4 or maybe 6 seconds that would let us know that their commitment to helping the people would be invincible. And after months of deliberation we think we have found a candidate who can not only save America, but can also load it back to a previous state of normalcy.

Our candidate is for sure an obscure one but like the many good things that go unrecognized, he is a cult classic. While he has yet to appear in a televised debate, he does so out of choice— choosing to squad up with the community rather than endlessly bicker on stage. While other candidates propose one-sided solutions to the myriad problems that affect our country, our choice tackles them asking one simple question: “Where are we dropping, boys?”

It’s time for a new challenger to approach.

The Bunion is proud to endorse Ace Watkins, the only candidate brave enough to advocate for a 69th amendment, the cancellation of all Animal Crossing debt, and the nationwide legalization of gaming.

With Ace as our president, America will achieve the long awaited New Game + that our forefathers could only dream of. A new save file, rich with all the experience and loot of the past but a renewed foresight and optimism for the future. Ace Watkins represents not only a level up for this country, but also a mega-evolution on political discourse. Which is why we at The Bunion exhort you to take in his words with an open mind and an empty Hard Drive. Visit his Twitter and get a first look at the future DLC America will soon have, and if you agree with his policies, please come to a one-night evening with the man himself. Because yes, it’s true that we all live in a society, but Ace Watkins will make sure it’s a good one.

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