Hannah Petosa (COM '20)

Hannah is a Junior from South Florida studying Film & TV. She has been writing and performing comedy since she was 15.

EVERYWHERE—That one kid you always see everywhere but don’t actually know was once again on the treadmill next to you this morning, in Mugar yesterday, and in the dining hall last night. Little do you know, this person actually does not have a name.

You keep seeing the same tall white guy everywhere you go on campus. For the past three years, you have grown angrier and angrier at the mystery that is this man’s identity.

Well, as it turns out, this John Doe should actually be named John Doe. The other day in CAS, you, once again running into him, overheard a teacher telling him to start writing his name on his papers.

You knew this was your chance. Fuck a degree — your only goal at this university was to finally learn what this student’s name was. So, you did what any curious person would do: you got closer to the classroom and peeked in the window .

You saw him look straight at his professor and say, “I was not born with a name.” He then proceeded to explain that his parents are hippy dippy and they did not want to give him a name because all he needed was his image.

Now, whenever you see ol’ no-name you wonder what it must be like for him when they call attendance. Does he respond every time there’s a pause between names? Poor guy.

At press time, The Bunion dug deeper into this story and learned that no-name can’t legally vote due to his anonymity. Be better than no-name. Exercise your right to vote. Use your voice to speak for the voiceless…and the nameless.

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