Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)

Frank is a senior from Puerto Rico studying journalism. His mom thinks he's pretty funny.

COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES– A census conducted by the College of Arts and Sciences faculty revealed that every one of the 120 students in that lecture class you dropped at the beginning of the semester, misses you so so much.

“You don’t really know what you have until it’s gone,” says Robert Naples (CAS ‘22). “When you stopped showing up incredibly late to class with a half drank cup of the biggest cup Starbucks offers and the loudest Macbook Air known to mankind, I knew I lost something really special in my life.”

Naples is one of the many students who are vocal about the void you left in the classroom after you realized that you are now a senior, meaning that you deserve to not go to an 8am in the Kenmore classrooms when you are finally living in the cushy luxury that is Stuvi 2.

“What hurts me the most is how demoralizing your departure felt,” says Professor Cassidy. “We would pretend to give class up until the point you showed up and then when you did come, class would actually start. But that one day when you didn’t show up and the day after when you also didn’t show up… We cried. We really cried.”

To confirm this claim, The Bunion did indeed get their hands on the class syllabus, particularly the one you decided not to pick up during your first week, and in fact most of the class outlines say “mess around for a bit as we simulate a learning environment while the star student gets here”.

A growing faction of brokenhearted students have made a support/advocacy group with the sole purpose of getting you back into that lecture hall. The first activity of the “Get You Back Into Class” group will be a silent march to your dorm, carrying printed out pictures from your Facebook. They describe themselves as “furious, sad, and incredibly militant.”

At press time, upon realizing how much that class misses you, you decide to stop by the class as a little surprise where you are met with cheers, applause, and a cute little cake that says “Welcome Back.”

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