Demoralized by a crippling lack of Vitamin D? Feeling disappointed that your annual Turks and Caicos getaway was reduced to a surreally solemn “On This Day By The Shore…” slideshow on your phone? Disheartened that lying on your cement deck next to a rapidly deflating lukewarm kiddie pool does not have the same ~vibe~ as the Caribbean? Or perhaps you are down on yourself because in March of 2020 you finally decided to take the plunge and treat yourself to that pair of $300 Ray-Bans that you always wanted, only to never wear them because your mask makes them fog up and hey, it’s not like you’re going anywhere anyway? Aren’t we all. 

Suffice it to say, society needs a vacation. Stat. But now? In this economy? Where to go? Rest assured, there is a place you can sneak away to where no social distancing protocols will be violated and your Ray-Bans will not get fogged up. For your vacation consideration: my brain. For your convenience: TripAdvisor Reviews. 

Upsetting and Perturbing

Review of Frontal Lobe

2.333333/5 

Have to be honest, wasn’t too sure about this one from the get go. But then my step daughter found airfare that was just too good to pass up, so it was off to Ashley’s Frontal Lobe for our motley crew. Great location with satisfactory views, we were thoroughly enjoying ourselves until we were abruptly attacked by a viciously awkward memory from sixth grade gym class. Details about a Prusik rope climb at 8:30 in the morning under fluorescent lighting were unnecessarily specific and drawn out. The views from the ceiling of the gymnasium and subsequent feelings of nausea were, in summary: nightmare fuel. I must admit I am unsure what the significance of the eyes were, but they definitely followed you as you inched up the rope one friction knot at a time, and it definitely felt personal. The beeps from the state-mandated pacer test were certainly a recurring motif, and I could have gone without the endless re-playing. The cringe was debilitating, hence my 2 ⅓ out of 5 star review. Next time we will just stick with the far superior Occipital Lobe.  

It’s just a lot of the dances from Just Dance? 

Review of Cerebellum

3/5

My husband and I were really excited to sneak away to the Cerebellum. We brought our two Siberian Husky rescue puppies along because we thought they would like to see the balance and muscle coordination headquarters. You know, dogs. Much to our dismay, all we found were memorized dance routines from Just Dance. And not even the good ones. (No “Rasputin”!?!?) It was just a lot of “Proud Mary,” “She Wolf,” “Good Feeling” (Extreme Version), and “PoPiPo.” Ultimately, the puppies were bored because their paws could not hold the Wii remotes so we left earlier than planned. Sad.  

What’s the point of this??!… DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY $$ 

Review of Temporal Lobe

1/5

Saw a billboard for this on my way to pick up my son from Chuck E Cheese and figured what the heck. Big mistake. I was confused the entire time. Why are the lyrics to Löded Diper’s Grammy-snubbed “Exploded Diper” playing incessantly? Why the endless loop of Spotify ads memorized verbatim? I don’t want or need Kevin Hart to bring me a comedy break? There is not one useful piece of information in this hearing haven, but good thing every word to the “Fifty Nifty United States” song is present and accounted for. I found the iCarly monologues to be unnecessary and the repetitive spelling of WED-NES-DAY to border the offensive. The only reason this destination gets even one star is because it gave us an excuse to get out of the house for half a day. We’re only human. 

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