Yesterday, teens on a campus tour of Boston University couldn’t wait to see the expensive, state of the art dormitories that none of them would ever live in, reports indicate.
“Up ahead is the Student Villages, affectionately called Stuvi and Stuvi two!” said tour guide Jackson Roberts to a group of excited prospective students, half of whom will attend Boston University and none of whom will receive sufficient financial aid to afford to live in the deluxe student accommodations.
“Take a look at that!” said high school senior and Boston University applicant Jessica Santispago, who will never join a sorority or fraternity and thus never have an opportunity to be pulled into one of the greek-life dominated rooms in the exclusive facilities.
“Stuvi creates a dynamic upperclassmen community west of the BU Bridge” said Roberts as he explained the details of Stuvi’s luxurious facilities and suites to a group of students that will never be able to enjoy a single benefit of the building.
“Oh man, I can’t wait to see inside!” said ecstatic applicant Sean Isabel, whose lack of membership to a prominent sports team will deprive him of any chance to live in the lavish compound.
“You said it. This is the most impressive dorm I’ve seen on a college tour yet, easily!” said future student Jeffery Dagres, who will never have significant enough association to the school’s administration to receive a housing selection number decent enough to find an available room in the dormitory.
“This really is the jewel in the crown of Boston Univeristy” said Roberts proudly, as the tour of lowly peasants prepared to enter.
At press time, every single student on the tour was staring wistfully at the scenic view from the top floor of Stuvi, thinking about how nice it would be to live there.