By Grace O’Brien
In response to the feral, thunderous acclaim (and threats against a certain Brooklyn actor) caused by her re-released album Red (Taylor’s Version), Ms. Swift has announced new merch: Straightjackets (Taylor’s Version).
Taylor Swift, capitalism queen, sells a vast array of merchandise to be enjoyed by all of her fans. However, this new hot piece of apparel is designed for function and fashion! As Queen Taylor said at the merch’s launch, these bad boys will never go out of style. Not only is it form-fitting and available in “Burning” Red and “Blake Lively’s Skin Tone” White, but it keeps the rabid Swifties who will not stop listening to “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)” contained so that they are not a threat to themselves or society! The Straightjacket, or Swiftjacket if you will, comes with an enticing deal where a free bottle of Lexapro is thrown in if Swifities use the code NOTHINGNEW22.
Taylor, ever the Girlboss, also has merch that is directly referenced in her music, such as the iconic Red Scarf (you know, the one that Donnie Darko kept instead of showering). There are also the Official Taylor Swift Ping Pong Paddles or Bike Shorts (which you can actually buy online). Feel free to also treat yourself to the officially licensed Bad Blood Diva Cup, Invisible String Floss, and Sparks Fly Taser.
For the holidays, get the Swiftie in your life an all new pair of the (Brokeback) Mountain Hiking Boots of their wildest dreams. Did your boots get extra snowy after a good ole hike? Not a worry! Simply shake it off and use the patent-pending Delicate Back to December boot-drying feature.
Is it slightly Mysterio(us) that you can’t spell jacket without a certain four letters? Of course, but for legal reasons we are obligated to confirm that that is purely a coincidence. Even though Ms. Swift has declared that “Spelling is fun!”, we are encouraged to put our reading glasses down for this case.
At press time, The Bunion has been notified that I, the writer, of this article is stuck in the Swiftjacket… It is gettin haarder and harder to type, pleas send hel.p anb watr