Photoshopped by Vanessa Kjeldsen (COM '23)
CJ Zachara (COM '21)

CJ is a junior in COM studying Film and Television. He is from Maplewood, New Jersey.

PLEASANT STREET— Tragedy struck this week when a Green Line trolley slid off the rails onto Commonwealth Ave. The train, Mr. T, was reportedly seen with an empty bottle of Jägermeister leaving Kenmore only moments before. 

“It appears Mr. T has relapsed,” said Mike Choo of the MBTA. “He’s been in and out of AA meetings for a decade now.”

Mr. T said in a statement that this relapse has been caused by his wife, Mrs. T, who is leaving him for an orange line train car. 

“She just left me! One of those brand new prettyboi Orange line fancy-pants jerks swooped in and wooed her when they were both at Haymarket,” said Mr. T. 

Past incidents caused by Mr. T’s drinking include the time he pushed another T train into the street “for shits ‘n giggles,” the time he shut his doors on a man’s legs who was having trouble clearing the gap in his wheelchair, and the time he kicked the conductor off and blasted Free Bird the entire trip to Boston College

“It’s a shame, he’s great when sober,” said Mr. Choo. “We’re just lucky no one has died from his recklessness in the past.”

Mr. Choo confirmed Mr. T will be sent to rehab for his actions, and will have a guaranteed job when he returns. “He’ll be fineeeee,” said Choo.

At press time, Mr. T was seen chugging Malibu on the commuter rail line on his way to rehab in Maine.

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