MARSH PLAZA—Sources report that the Boston University 2016 Sustainability Festival is on its last legs, and most likely cannot keep promoting bike safety and environmentally sustainable behaviors for much longer.

“Gosh we’re pooped,” said Lillian Hagerty (SAR ’19), a volunteer at the festival. “I’ve given everything I have to this festival and think this might be it pretty soon.”

Speculation has surfaced that the reason that the festival is trailing off, is because the festival came out of the gates with excessive bravado that proved to be almost impossible to keep up over any reasonable length of time.

“Yeah, so what if for the first two hours, all the volunteers incorporated a coordinated team dance to Bruno Mars’ ‘Uptown Funk’ into their existing jobs for the day?” BU Sustainability Coordinator Frieda Jude said. “The only way you’re going to get people to be into saving the Earth is with gimmicks.”

“That’s also why we performed a traditional Chinese New Year’s Day parade celebration every third hour,” continued Jude.

“The dragon was admittedly pretty neat,” said festival attendee Gilda Tomlinson (COM’18). “But I’m almost positive the people in that costume were all later napping at their stations. As a matter of fact, I thought the festival ended at noon ‘cause after that, most volunteers were asleep by then.”

At press time, festival volunteers cancelled their annual, morale-boosting, gymnastic interpretation of “The Tortoise and the Hare” halfway through, due to a lack of conscious participants.

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