THE BU BEACH — Friendsgiving started normally enough for this group of friends freezing their terrier derrieres off and eating bone-dry dining hall tofurky. But when Emma Williams (CAS ’22) became the first to say what she was thankful for after no one else could think of anything for half an hour, the gathering took a tense turn. 

“I’m thankful for my grandpa’s quick recovery from COVID,” she began. “And also my own good health, and also being able to spend time with wonderful friends, and also…”

Her friends’ confusion quickly turned to shock as they realized she was somehow listing multiple things. “Keeping Up with the Kardashians is ending,” Arabella Lawrence (CFA ’23) pointed out, wiping away mascara tears as Emma kept her list going. “I don’t know how she could be thankful for anything in a year like this. It’s highkey sus.”

“I couldn’t take my poodle Atticus to his groomer for months because of those silly COVID precautions,” Shelton Richman (QST ’23) sobbed, burying his face in a non-compostable takeout container of soggy stuffing. “I know that his mental health is suffering now that his daily pampered pooch sessions have been reduced to personalized motivational speeches over Zoom. Emma’s being downright insulting.”

Vincent Cargill (QST ’22) nodded in agreement. “I brought my new Mercedes to campus, but I have nowhere to drive it,” he sniffed. “All the exclusive galas, fêtes and soirées are canceled.”

The Bunion is currently investigating whether a situation like Emma’s is even possible. Since our team has been unable to think of a single actual good thing that happened this year, the most realistic explanation is that she’s a time traveler from October 2016.

At press time, Emma’s friends told her that her optimism is a privilege.

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