Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22)
Maggie Vatter (CAS '22)

Maggie is a Junior studying International Relations and Spanish. She is nothing but a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things.

Last night, BUPD received several reports about two bulking men dressed in black holding a large sack and carrying a large net. 

The reports started to come in at around 8:00pm last night. The men were first reported by the BU Beach. They seemed to be crouching and were seen to be wearing white lab coats and goggles. A BUPD alert sent to students last night stated: “Two men inciting disruption and panic on BU beach. Proceed with Caution. Please report to BUPD with any additional information.”

“I saw them last night and was instantly a little wary,” Gigi Pert (CAS ‘23) said “I was walking to some Tinder guy’s apartment when I heard them scream and start yelling at each other.” Pert called BUPD after noticing the large sack in one of the man’s hands. Another student who was in the area at the time also called to report what seemed to be “a pig covered in oozing sores and screeching like a rooster.”

Upon arriving at the scene, BUPD were able to locate the men after they heard screaming coming from a nearby sewer. Officers were dispatched down to the dark, grimy depths and were able to detain the men. However, officers were unable to find any trace of the reported humanoid and were quick to dismiss the report as a prank call.

As the two persons of interest were ushered into the car they were heard begging, at first asking the officers to let them go because they “really needed to, or else.” Eventually, the men started to break down and cry as they apologized for “opening a pandora’s box onto humanity”. At press time, the two men have been investigated and claim they were looking for their lab experiment that had escaped, but BUPD has said they have no evidence to believe this.

New reports have been surfacing around campus after students were found covered in bite marks, drained of blood, and showing signs of struggle akin to a wild animal attack; to complicate matters even further the bodies were found to be surrounded by what appeared to be acidic bile. BUPD is asking for any information in regards to these incidents.

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