Those capris you just bought from Target? Burn them. They’re ugly and boring, and nobody cares about your ankles. We’ve just spent an entire year stuck inside, trapped wearing old paint shirts and pajama bottoms. We can’t spend another year like this. It’s just sad.
This summer season, we want something more interesting. Something dramatic. Something inspired. An outfit that will make the BU beach geese bow down before you. An outfit that might even make your philosophy professor rethink the meaning of life.
What we need right now is Neo-Rococo (Pronounced Row Co Co for all you people failing art history). We’ve seen the corset Tik-Tok trends, we’ve seen Bridgerton, but we want more. I’m talking hoop skirts, breeches, big hair, colorful makeup. Don’t just cosplay Ben Franklin. Be brave! Wear your spectacles and cravat down Newbury Street. Make the rich people wish to be you for a change.
Just imagine yourself sauntering down the road, your buckled shoes click-clacking against the aged brick. Passersby step to the side and let you through, aware of your royal presence. Your custom-made cane, straight from etsy user KingGeorgeRP’s shop, taps on the ground in groove with your right foot, as your fur cloak flows flirtatiously behind you (faux fur for all the fashionable vegans who care about animals but don’t give a rat’s ass about plastic pollution).
I know what you’re thinking. It’s about to be summer, and it’s going to be hot, and I’ll be sweaty, and it seems like too much fabric. No need to worry; that won’t be a problem. Have you ever seen an eighteenth-century portrait with sweat stains? No, you have not. Sweating is only a recent phenomenon, caused by fast fashion and their flimsy, see-through blouses –big thanks to Zara, by the way, for making us all have to buy clinical strength deodorant. But with this new trend, we can say goodbye to both sweating and sweatshops.
Neo-Rococo screams power, innovation, courage. We’re already obsessed with matching outfit sets, and wearing twice as many rings as we have fingers, so, why not go all out? Bedazzle your neckline, cinch your waists, turn henna freckles into henna beauty marks, make the french say, “Enchante,” and make you hair as hair as Madam Antoinette’s powdered wig, before it lay on the ground beside her head.
But don’t think just because we’re bringing back eighteenth-century fashion trends, that we need to bring back 18th century sexism. All articles of clothing are gender neutral, just remember to decorate them with your family’s royal crest, so, everyone knows you’re not poor.
And for anyone self-conscious about their thighs or ankles this summer season, I encourage you to wear four button breeches, and an overcoat. No time to stress about your insecurities when your flexed calves would make even Louis XIV, king of the gastrocnemius muscles, squirm with ecstasy.