Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22)
Reid Phillips (COM '22)

Reid Phillips is a Film & TV major from New Jersey, and is therefore an unapologetic Chris Christie stan. When not busy writing fake articles, and acting like it's hard, she can be found blankly staring at her computer in the library with an unopened textbook.

One of the most important tenets of modern womanhood is the ability to be resourceful. With the uncertainty of current times, money is tight, and you need to stay home. Long story short, bitches need to learn to make do with what they have. 

That is where 5 Minute crafts comes in. Full of fun, fascinating, and often Dada-level absurd videos they put out, this company is a trailblazer, and crucial component in the DIY Industrial Complex. Whether it’s using a water bottle as a pencil case, or turning your bombshell bra into a liferaft, they’ve got you covered. 

But one recent craft has led some users enraged for taking things a step too far: a video, complete with instructions on how to make a DIY Vibrator. 

“I was immediately suspicious when I saw them take out hot glue,” says Patricia MarySue, a former 5 Minute fan who took great issue with the instructional “but then they added the marshmallow fluff, and it was just too much!”

MarySue, along with 6 other women who attempted to create and use the product, are filing a class action lawsuit against 5 Minute Crafts, citing “personal damages, both external and internal.” 

“The line has been crossed,” claims a spokeswoman for the suit who wishes to remain anonymous. “It’s been over a week and I’m still trying to get fluff out of my vagina.” 

We reached out for a comment from 5 Minute Crafts, but were met only with a video response teaching us how to fashion a cabinet out of one single acrylic nail. At press time, we are very confused.

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